Let me start by saying this,

I am Anorexic, I have been for a year. Anorexia is an eating disorder that means you use methods of starvation and excessive exercise to not gain weight and/or lose weight. It comes from a fear of gaining weight.

I developed Anorexia because I’ve had a pretty bad relationship with my body. It never could be what I wanted. I wasn’t thin enough, tall enough, perfect enough.

I let people tell me I wasn’t enough. I let myself believe that I wasn’t enough. Someone even told me, that maybe beauty just wasn’t going to be my thing.

And you know what is incredibly sad? I was beautiful then. I am beautiful now. I didn’t need starvation to feel that way.

And I’m paying for the costs- Physically, mentally and spiritually.  Malnourishment leads to hair damage, dizziness, feeling weak and weight loss. I weigh 103 pounds. I’ve lost a couple of pounds every other month it seems. And yet, I weigh so little, I walk into a room and think I’m the biggest person there is compared to others.

And there goes any sort of hunger. 

But, Anorexia isn’t just about eating, it’s about your heart. I kill myself somedays over how I look. I skip meals, I eat usually about half of them anyway. I find myself exhausted and so hungry, after trying to dictate my eating schedule. I scream mentally after the terrible thoughts bashing at my confidence.  I become even more self-absorbed and paranoid. I am weak in so many ways, even if I have endurance.

And I try to do it alone. 

I am a Christian, and a Christian should try to walk with God. But I didn’t, and still, do not.

But now, I want to, because through this eating Disorder, through the very thing that can rule my life, a savior appears for me. Because there is someone who loves me more than anyone can, and that is God.

He doesn’t care what I look like, he only loves. And I want to walk with him.

Before I end this post, I would like to take some time to say this.

It took me a year to share this publicly. It took some prayer and support to do this. But as I am just now getting to it, others may not be. It can feel really lonely and scary.  It can feel embarrassing to some, but incredibly all to others. And if someone tells you, or if they hint at it- or even if you think someone has an eating disorder, this is how to handle it.

Be loving, and supportive don’t feel the need to strictly monitor your love one’s eating, but simply watch out for them, check to see if they’re eating.

When, (if) they tell you they struggle with an eating disorder, what you say next is incredibly important. The best responses I’ve gotten were ones such as “What can I do to help?” You could also say. “I want to be here for you to listen and support you.”  Those are both wonderful responses.

I wish I didn’t have to explain this, as someone who struggles with Anorexia and someone who has heard these responses, but here’s what not to say.

“You know, I eat what I want and I’m still thin.”

(I really don’t want to have to explain why that’s the worst.)

(Don’t shove food in their face, it isn’t what’s needed, but the concern is appreciated.)

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

but the worse is this.

“Oh! But you look so pretty now!”

Never say that. This response seems completely harmless, but it is not. What you are telling the person, confirming for the person, is that the way they look now is perfect. Not who they are, but who they are now. All of those responses can be so hurtful and make the situation worse. So, stay away from them

My kind friend when I told him told me that I was beautiful no matter what. And that is different because he understood and knew me enough to appreciate me for who I am on the inside, and how that affected me. That response gave me a positive view of myself.  And the truth is, if you struggle with any sort of body issues, then that applies to you too. Inner beauty shines brighter than your outer beauty.

And as I move forward, I want to let go of my self-image as much as I can, because that isn’t what will make me happy.

So, thank you for taking the time to read this. If you struggle with an eating disorder, reach out, you are not alone. Feel free to comment, I’ll listen to you.

Love,

-Grace Xxx