In midst of it all, I had held on to what I knew. My comfort came through grains of sand that fell through my hands. My anchor of control pulled me into the chaos.
I found myself in the dark, and the glowsticks of my childhood couldn’t give me the light. I was in unknown territory. I felt millions of Eyes on me. I felt the whispers and screams carve into my body.
I felt the shame and fear consume me. Cuts found their way into my skin; I was naked in my vulnerability.
I found the splinter in my finger and pulled it out. I kept looking for something that only the light could show me. I couldn’t see in the dark what was truly bothering me.
The light got me out and took me to a sense of calm. I wasn’t magically fixed, I wasn’t ‘fine’ in a day. But something new happened- I didn’t have to prove that I was.
I was in living nightmares and I woke up to blinding light. I woke up to a warm hug, and new day. I woke up to a peace I hadn’t realized I had longed for.
For once, I became friends with a new reality.
I could think clearly, I was sober. I could breathe and not question if it was my last. I could eat all my meal, which I haven’t done something like that in a while.
I was able to understand and submit to the vulnerability.
And it hurt, let me tell you. It was so, so painful. It felt like being stripped of everything I knew. It’s tempting to hide in the darkness, to not be seen in the light.
But I’m writing this, because I can’t hide anymore. I cannot find comfort in the shadows any longer. I must share, I must find the light.