When I wrote my last post a year ago today, I didn’t quite expect to not return to my blog for a whole year. I’m sure at the time i had big plans for the blog, for posts and series. Reading through my goals and resolutions I set in that post, there are certaintly a few things I did fufill, but there is so much that changed that I didn’t hold the same goals anymore.
My focus shifted in 2021 pretty dramatically. As someone who finds security in planning, I think I entered last year with an expection of what should have been. I had sets of rules that I wouldn’t break, and a list of things I wouldn’t do.
And I did a good bit of them this past year. And I broke a lot of my rules.
Part of me wonders if my younger self would like who I am today; If she would be proud of who I have become. I hope at least, that she would. i wish almost that I could hug her, in my reflection of the past 5 years. She went through so much and had so much hope for the future.
i think along the way, I lost some of that hope. I spent the hours of each day surviving, deeply craving rest and renewal. I was stunted by my fear of change, for the unknown. It had left a deep cut in my side and I was hesitant to embrace it.
This year happened, and I was now, more than ever, swept up in change. The dynamics within my life shifted; it was a time of growth and change, as I reached the beginning of adulthood. I lost loved ones to death itself, and the death and decay of relationships. To my own shock, I lost parts of myself too. I began to feel as if I was unravelling, losing my grip of any piece of my life. I won’t sit here and write that I completely adjusted to all of it, I certaintly didn’t! I am someone often driven by my emotions, and I felt through this year as if it were a hurricane, pulling me in to leave the wreckage behind.
But I think that I began to appreciate the chaos a bit. My fear of change held be back for so long, and I realized just how much I needed to embrace it. The less in control I felt I could be, the more I learned about myself and the world around me. I began to focus on the moment at hand, and appreciate the beauty in it, rather than anticipating what was to come.
I made the decision this year to change my planned major to Fine Arts, where I could focus on my photography more specifically. I don’t quite know what led me to make a more drastic change, but it just felt right. i always wanted to be an artist, but doubt never let me pursue it further than a hobby. I had to learn to find worth in my creative work, adn through the encouargement of many of my loved ones, I began to find it. Often, I didn’t have a lot of confidence in my work, and I felt burnt out creatively so often. This past year I reflected a bit on this, and I was pushed in certain ways that I began to realize that I was the culprit for this block on my creative endeavors.
My main source of inspiration is driven from my emotions and feelings. I find myself seeking out the paintbrush or the pen when I am in periods of intense feeling. My poetry, as well as my art, served as my way of processing and my way of expression. I think I realized that all those years ago when I was overwhelmed by my emotions, I just shut them off. Not completely, but I wouldn’t let myself process them- it was less ‘messy’ that way.
But Even in my resistance, I was faced with overwhelming grief this year and I found myself seeking out the pen again. And from it came hundreds of poems this year. What followed the grief was love, and a new found desire to pursue what life has to offer. I spent so may years living on the outside of possiblity, that I avoided pursuing it.
But I found myself craving the chaos, craving the ‘messy.’ All of what life had to offer.
This past year I pursued it, this ‘love’; In all its beauty, and in its painful sting. Heartache and my mourning followed suite, but there was something so meaningful in all of it. I was feeling and living for the first time in so long, I felt alive again. I took risks and continued to push myself to not let opportunity escape me.
I am entering this year in a unique position, one that I wouldn’t normally allow myself to embrace:
I have no expection, no plan for this year.
I just want to live it. I want all it has to offer, and the only hope I have is that I learn something from it, and that something meaningful comes out of it.
With my reflection past us, I do want to share a bit of an update.
I am going to attempt to return to posting again. After my experiences last year, I bring back my poetry and writings to be posted. In all honesty, I’m nervous. Part of a departure last year came from some experiences I had sharing my work that turned sour. My poetry is pretty sacred for me and I still feel a bit uncomfortable sharing it, but I’d like to get past this. I’d like to be confident in sharing my work again and sharing what I have to say. If you are reading this, I hope you will join me on this journey so that we might walk together in understanding what this year has in store!
With love, and a Happy new year,
-Grace