you might find this strange,  odd even- but I don’t think you like me.

I think you tolerate me, because I’m there. I ramble or I’m not enough. Because everything I do isn’t enough.

And you might ask why I feel that way, and I would have to be honest.

There are days that I have to stand in front of a mirror and I have to decide if I like myself. When I see my reflection, I see so many flaws. I used to see more, but I’m a little better now.

I saw my body and instantly wanted to cry. Clothes in a mess on the floor. In front of my mirror with my face buried in my hands. I couldn’t handle it.

For so long, I tried to fix it myself. I would be negative, or positive. I would try the ‘self love’ thing, but often I didn’t think I deserved it.  I would try and ‘bandage’ up the pain with words as sharp as knifes. Blades cutting into my head as I tried to lie to myself.

I remember one of the first memories of telling myself these things was when I was about eleven. I had wondered if maybe I didn’t deserve to be pretty. To be admired. It felt awful, but I didn’t know what else to do, that’s all I could think.

It started to get worse when I let people tell me these things. I was so shocked, because after all this time I said these things in my brain, someone else said it out loud.

And it was even worse than I could have imagined.

To have people you trust, people you love, tell you your very fear is like a nightmare. Sometimes I don’t think they mean it like they said. Sometimes I know they did.

The first time I remember someone saying something about my weight was a very minor experience. It was someone who knew my parents or something, and they just made a small comment. But it really bothered me, because I think I knew it wasn’t right for them to say something so stupid.

The worst of it seemed to be last year.  I was already becoming my own enemy, with negative thoughts and so on. But I surrounded myself with people who let me fall, and told me I wasn’t enough.

And as I said, I don’t think they realize it, because a lot of the time they took out their anger and bitterness on me. I feel so stupid for it too, I should have let go.

I was too short, and it was often the running joke. I wasn’t as pretty as the last girl, I wasn’t as perfect as her. I was told I was a subsitute. I was just around to make them feel better.

And the worst part about it, is I didn’t want to tell anyone. because they were just having a bad day, it would be better tomorrow.

But that tomorrow never came, everyday I learned more and more of how disposable I was to them.

Good friends of mine warned me, and I wish I listened.

But how could I leave?

It finally hit me when I was in the worst place possible that I have ever been.

I felt alone, I felt like everyone promising they’d be there for me faded away. I felt like God was punishing me for being so stupid.

And, that’s how it all started. How I became anorexic, how I lost if any trust I had in people. How I lost myself.

When new years came around, I didn’t know how to feel. I wondered if I would slowly fade a little more throughout this year.

But something happened.

Out of all of the rumage of my brokeness, something flourished.

If I hadn’t lost myself, I wouldn’t have realized how lost I already was.

I wasn’t the person I thought I was.  I wasn’t the Christian I thought I was either. And out of that came a new relationship.

I’m very rocky still, and I have many days, but I think now I’m learning that I can let go, and that I can tell people about this now.

I feel much better. I’ve talked with my loved ones about my eating disorder, and they’ve done more than helped me, I’m starting to feel myself again.

I’ve learned a lot, and while I still struggle, I have hope and trust in people again.

I’ve finally understand how to let go again.